Hello Everyone-
As we finish up the summer I thought I would take some time to fill everyone in on our activities. It is hard to believe that three months have already passed since Ryan’s birth. Kevin and I are both still adjusting and have both good days and bad ones.
All in all, we are making progress both in projects and in the healing process. We have a great support system in our family and friends are quite thankful to have all of you around us. We are slowly starting to venture out of the house socially, but are still spending most of our time with our “safety circle.” This is our circle of friends and relatives that we feel closest to and the ones that realize that there will be no “getting over” Ryan’s death, only getting through life without him. We have joined a support group for parents of stillborns. It meets once a month, and has been very helpful for us. It is just nice to have a place where we can meet other couples who have lost a child, talk with them and share with each other.
I was deeply thankful that FSC was able to find a course for me to teach this summer. It was a repeat for me, which meant little prep time needed. My class met for five hours a day, three days a week, for five weeks. It took up a big chunk of the empty summer and kept me quite busy. Kevin continues to work full-time for Raytheon, but is able to take time when we need it.
The majority of our “spare” time this summer has been spent on Ryan’s garden. This is a thirty-two foot diameter garden that has been built in our back yard. It was designed by Ryan’s Uncle Scott and has been built with lots of hard work from Scott, Karla, Kevin and I. We have also had help from some visitors, mainly my Mom, Dad and Stepmother. I have attached some pictures below, and you can hopefully get the general idea of what things look like. The garden consists of a finished half and a natural half. The natural half is ringed in field stones and contains wild strawberries, blueberries and small pines. The finished portion consists of a concrete paver patio with a ~7 foot wall behind it. The wall is needed because the garden is built into the hill in the side yard. The wall tapers to a sitting wall on both sides, as it comes out of the hill. According to Kevin, we are about 90% done with the structural portion of the project. I can’t wait till it is done. Not only to be able to use the space, but to be able to finally start on the gardens. There is a three foot wide garden in front of the wall, behind the patio and several larger gardens surrounding wall and wrapping around the garden. I know that many of you would like to contribute to the garden, and we would love to have anything that people would like to give. Several people from the church are bringing us items from their own gardens, so it will really have the community feel. So far we have three lilac bushes, a rose bush, a bleeding heart (which hopefully didn’t get fried this summer), and a butterfly bush. The butterfly bush was sent from Oregon, and survived the trip!
The garden is mostly shade with a little sun (mostly in the afternoon). We are still planning on getting the following: 3 trees (a dogwood or a viburnum; a concolor fir and a redbud or a nan king cherry), some bushes (including a shamrock Inkberry, a holly bush, and an autumn brilliance serviceberry) and many flowering plants (rose of Sharon, another bleeding heart, spiarea, bee balm, astilbe and a blue hydrangea). Thankfully there is a nursery right down the road from us, so we should be able to get just about everything with minimal problem. I have also added bird accessories to the garden. Right now I only have two feeders and one fabulous bird house (pictures below), but my hope is to continue to add brightly colored birdhouses and different feeders for years to come. We want this space to celebrate the joy of having our son, not be a dormant, dreary place where only sadness dwells.
Hopefully, you can see from our lives how Kevin and I are laying stones for many new foundations. It is a slow process, but with a solid base, you can build anything you need. Ryan also has his stone. His grave marker was placed about three weeks ago. We still go and visit him often and read him stories or blow bubbles. Mostly we just miss him terribly and pray that God will grant us another child to fill an empty room in an empty house and help to heal some shattered hearts.
A friend from church gave me this poem and I have included it in Ryan’s scrapbook. I found it very moving and it captures how I feel often:
God, we do not understand why You would give us life, only to take it again.
We do not understand why You would let us anticipate birth only to be pained by death.
We ask you to help us to trust in Your goodness and wisdom at a time when our understanding and wisdom falls short.
We ask for courage and strength.
May peace be with you and your families and may no child ever feel unloved.
-Aline
But it looks like the truck did not do so well:By that time, between 20 and 30 other people who had been traveling on the highway had gathered around the wreckage to help. They were relieved to see the crew climb out of the truck alive.
But the mood quickly turned frantic: "It's explosives," Lysfjord shouted. "Get out of here." He said there was roughly three minutes between the time of the crash and the explosion.
The blast tore out a crater - 30 feet deep by 70 feet across - in the road, took chunks out of the canyon wall, set more than a dozen brush fires and damaged a Union Pacific rail line.
Article and photos obtained from here.
The plan is essentially the same as developed that day. The overlying form is a circle, a pure element of design. I will call this the circle of life, something which inspired me as I thought about this special garden. Elton John wrote a song titled such as heard in the Lion King. Some lyrics I found relevant:It's the Circle of LifeAnd it moves us allThrough despair and hopeThrough faith and loveTill we find our placeOn the path unwindingIn the CircleThe Circle of LifeThe location is inspired by the geographic connection through the natural woodland to Ryan’s place of rest. I think a circle of around 30-ft diameter will work, and this seems to incorporate the white pine and the red maple in that area. The back of the space (to the north) is cut into the existing hill side. This will ultimately be retained either by ledge and boulders found while digging, or if none are found, a wall to be built. This wall could be natural stone (most appropriate but more difficult to build), a SRW or segmental retaining wall (I can show you some of the various options); sloped grade that is planted (this may work but we will have to see) or a combination of these.
As the wall comes to the line which bisects the middle, it will slope down to meet rade, as it also approached the locations of the two trees that are included in the circle. To the east (towards the house, there will be an opening to enter the garden. On the ground plane, are suggestions of paths which can be flat field stone at the edge of the garden, then (as you see on the plan) a few steps set into the existing lawn. Metaphorically, these might be: The path towards the house “going home”; the other towards the street is “going out into the world”. They are a few steps only, the ultimate path determined by the user.
The circle will be completed by placed boulders into the woods. These can be rocks found in the woods, or other.
The garden patio floor may be flat field stone, brick, concrete pavers, blue stone or other. (I can show you some options.) The bench will sit in this area and there is space for other seating, a small table, a small fire pit or other. This space is approximately about 12-ft by 20-ft This will be a flat area defined to the north by the wall with a planting bed in front of it, and to the south by the edge of the exiting woodland. Above the wall will be another planting bed, from the back edge of the wall to probably the existing edge of the lawn now. This bed will wrap back around down to the woods.
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Hello one and all-
We wanted to take a few minutes and update everyone on our activities up here. First and foremost, thank you all for your love, support, kindness and generosity in the past month. Yes, it has been 4 weeks since Ryan Daniel was born and died.
Kevin has returned to work full time, and is trying to balance work, grief, and home. He thinks he is doing a pretty good job, and I would have to agree. It is easy to get lost at work and loose track of time and the world around you, but every once in a while it just sneaks up on you. Overall, he is doing well (his own words).
I have been working on lectures and going to school a few times a week. As it turns out, the instructor who was taking over my summer course had a minor heart attack, and was advised by his physician not to teach this summer. The department asked if I would take the class, and I decided to do it. It is a course I have taught before, so it should not take very much prepwork to get ready. Not to mention, it is the course I am teaching this fall, so I need to get it ready. I have also started to do some research again. I am in the process of getting a new assay up and running, and the school has even been helping me out with some financial assistance.
Now for the things most of you are more interested in:
For those of you who missed it, we do have some extra copies of Ryan's service leaflet and would be happy to get you one. We have also obtained the recording of his funeral, and Kevin is working on making a it DVD that includes the pictures since last November.
We have both been writing lots- me in my journal held over from the pregnancy, and Kevin on his blog site (http://kevdavis.blogspot.com). It seems to help mostdays, and in combination with some of the books we have been given, helps the processing continue.
We have been to both the physician and a private counselor, both of which agree that we are utilizing all of the tools available to us, and we are making good progress, both physically and mentally. We find this a bit frustrating, because everyday it is still hard to get out of bed, progress through the day and have a semi-normal evening without Ryan being here with us. The doc and counselor said the fact that we do get up, shower, eat and work show that we are making progress. We just wish they had a magic pill that could make everything better and make all of the hurt go away. We have also found a support group at a local hospital. They meet next Tuesday and we are planning on going.
I have started a scrapbook to remember and preserve Ryan's life. So far I have done a page celebrating his birthday, ultrasound pages, notes to Ryan from Kevin and I, and more pictures from his birthday. I am working on the pages for the two showers, and still have to get the preggie pics and the nursery pics organized. If you have any pictures from Ryan's life that you particularly like, please feel free to send them along. We would love to add them to his scrap book. I am also putting together a shadow box containing dried flowers from his arrangements and we plan to get a silver rattle placed in the middle.
As far as the nursery goes, this has been one of the hardest things for us to deal with. The week that Ryan died, I cleaned all of the maternity clothes out of my closet, but did not want to change his room. After his funeral, we started to pack some things up. We donated all of the diapers, wipes and other disposible items to the House of Hope, a local charity. His blankets and rattles were boxed and put downstairs, with all of his other large items (highchair, bouncy seat, pack-n-play, etc). We did keep out one of his rattles, I will fill you in on that in a bit. His closet is still filled, but we have shut the door. The changing table was taken down as was the hamper and most of the other items in the room. The current plan is to make this room into a quiet reading/meditation room, but some of Ryan's things will stay. His quilt and cross are still on the wall, and his rocking horse is still there, as are his basket of books. The crib is still up, but is stripped.
Ryan is buried about 2 miles away from the house. I have been to see him everyday since his funeral and tend to read to him (thus why the basket of books is still in the nursery). We have placed a teddy bear at his grave and a rattle. The rattle is from his room. We figured that he needed to have at least one of them and it was not right to pack them all away. He also has flowers that we take care of everyday. This Friday we are going to meet with the monument seller to purchase Ryan's stone. Hopefully it will not take long to get, and can be in by the end of the summer.
We are starting to plan a memorial garden for Ryan that will be in our yard. Scott is in the process of designing it, and we have started to collect items for it. So far we have a rose bush, a bleeding heart, a lilac bush, and a couple of trees. We also have a lovely teak bench for sitting. The garden will back up to the woods that are actually continuous with the grounds of the cemetary.
It is amazing how much your life can change in an instant. We went from experiencing some of the happiest days we have ever had to extreme heartbreak. We know that our son is in a better place, and that there must be a masterplan that we are unaware of, but I will always wonder why he couldn't stay with us for just a while longer. Of course, a lifetime with him still would not have been enough for me.
You may have noticed that this email is entitled "day by day, step by step." This is our new slogan for the summer and for the life ahead. We take it day by day, step by step. We have good days and bad days, and work through them together. Step by step we continue on life's journey. We are in the process of trying to figure out how life keeps going, even though Ryan is not here to share it with us.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. -A
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