what a next step...

Hi everyone-

Tonight seems to be a processing night. Interesting events this week - we finally have figured out what this step I seem to be sitting on is called in the grief process. Neutral. Well at least that is what I am calling it. Neutral seems to be a good thing to call it. Because it is easy to go into reverse or any other gear of the grief transmission. Not only is it easy to put it in the gear the engine seems to be providing enough power to go in reverse very easily and moving forward only has 2 gears - very slow and slow.

Car analogy done.

It is a very interesting spot - Aline and I had been planning for several months (10 to be exact - well maybe 7 years) that Ryan would be impacting our lives in a very dramatic fashion. Well he certainly did - not just the way we had planned. Now that the plans are basically not happening - we have to continue to figure out what is next. Well life is next. What is most interesting about that is that life is returning to what it was before all of the planning. Well mostly in that direction. It is about balencing what is now that needs to still happen with what I am feeling emotionally - speaking of emotions grieving silently is not really grieving it is just post-poning something that will impact you later...might as well get it over with.

But being in neutral is what is happening now - it is about figuring out how the piece of my life can fit back together with a new addition and a hole in my heart that will never be filled.

This is something that I have been tossing around in my head for a few days - probably closer to a week and a half. Aline is starting to enter this space as well. I don't know if I have described this well enough but - it is my words and this is what flowed.

Peace...