Cotton Harlequin bugs

I found this picture while perusing the Washington Post. They are Cotton Harlequin bugs - I just thought they had a very cool coloration. Must give proper credit to Reuters website for the picture:





Anyway just something cool.

Father's Day -- A different perspective

Hi everyone-

Well I had a well meaning post - father's day - something thought provoking, something that would really get the point across. First there was the thought to ignore the day altogether - but that would not be fair to Ryan, he is my son and to ignore the day felt like I was ignoring him...not cool. I needed to figure out some way to honor my son - and I failed (or at least I thought I had you'll see...). The weekend started out as any other weekend - but this one had a small twist. The company I work for has a work schedule called a 9/80. It allows me to work M-Th for 9 hours and the first Friday 8 hours - working out to 40 hours per week over two weeks. It gives you that second friday off. It is really cool. Anyway that friday was my Friday off - Aline and I figured we needed a little together time. We booked a room at our favorite B&B - the Cabernet Inn, in the White Mountains in N.H. Forgot that this weekend was biker's weekend in Laconia - but that did not stop us from going. We also scheduled some time on Friday to go get Ryan's grave stone (flat marker). We got his stone. As soon as it comes in a picture will be placed here. Had a nice drive up.

Saturday came and so did the rain. It rained all day - off and on - but mostly on. Hiked down Cathedral Ledge on Saturday morning. We had some time to talk during our walks. It was good to talk - it was a time to work through some of what had been bothering us. A bunch of trails were washed out - 2 inches of water heading down one of the trails we thought would be good to hike - so much for that trail. Anyway it was about 6 miles of trails we did in the morning. Back for Strawberry shortcake at the B&B. Dinner that evening was at the T.H.E (The Thompson House Eatery) in Jackson, N.H. What a great place to eat.

Sunday - Father's day. Here it was the big day - planned to be SOOOO different...the drive back went fine. We left early enough to miss most if not all of the traffic from bike week. Drove home. I could not think of anything to do for Ryan...I did not vocalize this either with Aline...I sat in the car and drove. I tried to think of a song to sing...I thought maybe I could read his book I read to him the same book I read during the pregnancy - but I wasn't ready. I thought maybe screaming outside would help... I chickened out. We did get Ryan some flowers from Kabloom to place at the cemetary which was really cool. But there wasn't anything else that we could do - nothing. I tried to figure out a way to take him for a walk - I had tried to take a bear we have been taking with us places on our walk around the mountains of NH but it was raining - and I did not want the bear to get wet. I wanted to go around braging about my son - but people would not understand what was so special about Ryan.

What was father's day to me - it was time to think about my son and the time I spent with him. I am going to miss what Ryan would have drawn for me in art class or made me wear proudly the next day to work. But most of all I think about him - just him - and that is what father's day is to me.

Love ya Ryan.

Dad

June -- National Safety Month

June is National Safety Month - so for the rest of the month be safe. Kinda funny - email just came around letting us know that June is safety month - would have been nice to draw attention to it at the beginning of the month.

National Safety Council - Your Safety&Health Leader for 90 Years

"A little funny"

Day by Day -- Step by Step

Hi everyone-

Just in case you did not get the email Aline sent out tonight here is a copy to share:

Hello one and all-

We wanted to take a few minutes and update everyone on our activities up here. First and foremost, thank you all for your love, support, kindness and generosity in the past month. Yes, it has been 4 weeks since Ryan Daniel was born and died.

Kevin has returned to work full time, and is trying to balance work, grief, and home. He thinks he is doing a pretty good job, and I would have to agree. It is easy to get lost at work and loose track of time and the world around you, but every once in a while it just sneaks up on you. Overall, he is doing well (his own words).

I have been working on lectures and going to school a few times a week. As it turns out, the instructor who was taking over my summer course had a minor heart attack, and was advised by his physician not to teach this summer. The department asked if I would take the class, and I decided to do it. It is a course I have taught before, so it should not take very much prepwork to get ready. Not to mention, it is the course I am teaching this fall, so I need to get it ready. I have also started to do some research again. I am in the process of getting a new assay up and running, and the school has even been helping me out with some financial assistance.

Now for the things most of you are more interested in:

For those of you who missed it, we do have some extra copies of Ryan's service leaflet and would be happy to get you one. We have also obtained the recording of his funeral, and Kevin is working on making a it DVD that includes the pictures since last November.

We have both been writing lots- me in my journal held over from the pregnancy, and Kevin on his blog site (http://kevdavis.blogspot.com). It seems to help mostdays, and in combination with some of the books we have been given, helps the processing continue.

We have been to both the physician and a private counselor, both of which agree that we are utilizing all of the tools available to us, and we are making good progress, both physically and mentally. We find this a bit frustrating, because everyday it is still hard to get out of bed, progress through the day and have a semi-normal evening without Ryan being here with us. The doc and counselor said the fact that we do get up, shower, eat and work show that we are making progress. We just wish they had a magic pill that could make everything better and make all of the hurt go away. We have also found a support group at a local hospital. They meet next Tuesday and we are planning on going.

I have started a scrapbook to remember and preserve Ryan's life. So far I have done a page celebrating his birthday, ultrasound pages, notes to Ryan from Kevin and I, and more pictures from his birthday. I am working on the pages for the two showers, and still have to get the preggie pics and the nursery pics organized. If you have any pictures from Ryan's life that you particularly like, please feel free to send them along. We would love to add them to his scrap book. I am also putting together a shadow box containing dried flowers from his arrangements and we plan to get a silver rattle placed in the middle.

As far as the nursery goes, this has been one of the hardest things for us to deal with. The week that Ryan died, I cleaned all of the maternity clothes out of my closet, but did not want to change his room. After his funeral, we started to pack some things up. We donated all of the diapers, wipes and other disposible items to the House of Hope, a local charity. His blankets and rattles were boxed and put downstairs, with all of his other large items (highchair, bouncy seat, pack-n-play, etc). We did keep out one of his rattles, I will fill you in on that in a bit. His closet is still filled, but we have shut the door. The changing table was taken down as was the hamper and most of the other items in the room. The current plan is to make this room into a quiet reading/meditation room, but some of Ryan's things will stay. His quilt and cross are still on the wall, and his rocking horse is still there, as are his basket of books. The crib is still up, but is stripped.

Ryan is buried about 2 miles away from the house. I have been to see him everyday since his funeral and tend to read to him (thus why the basket of books is still in the nursery). We have placed a teddy bear at his grave and a rattle. The rattle is from his room. We figured that he needed to have at least one of them and it was not right to pack them all away. He also has flowers that we take care of everyday. This Friday we are going to meet with the monument seller to purchase Ryan's stone. Hopefully it will not take long to get, and can be in by the end of the summer.

We are starting to plan a memorial garden for Ryan that will be in our yard. Scott is in the process of designing it, and we have started to collect items for it. So far we have a rose bush, a bleeding heart, a lilac bush, and a couple of trees. We also have a lovely teak bench for sitting. The garden will back up to the woods that are actually continuous with the grounds of the cemetary.

It is amazing how much your life can change in an instant. We went from experiencing some of the happiest days we have ever had to extreme heartbreak. We know that our son is in a better place, and that there must be a masterplan that we are unaware of, but I will always wonder why he couldn't stay with us for just a while longer. Of course, a lifetime with him still would not have been enough for me.

You may have noticed that this email is entitled "day by day, step by step." This is our new slogan for the summer and for the life ahead. We take it day by day, step by step. We have good days and bad days, and work through them together. Step by step we continue on life's journey. We are in the process of trying to figure out how life keeps going, even though Ryan is not here to share it with us.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. -A

RK

Hi everyone-

Tonight while reading to Ryan a black cat with a white tuxedo decided to befriend us at the cemetary. While we are both cat lovers - you have to be careful that we don't bring something home that Mackanzie would become sick - don't think we can handle that right now. So this cat has been seen around the cemetary - especially around the "Davis Loop". Aline and I have seen the cat during the time we are at the grave reading to Ryan. Today the cat decided to come over and say hello. And as all cat's say hello - purring, rubbing - we started to wonder why all of a sudden this cat should take an interest in complete strangers. Well Ryan of course. So the cat is now named affectionitally "Ryan's Cat" or RK for short.

Take care...

what a next step...

Hi everyone-

Tonight seems to be a processing night. Interesting events this week - we finally have figured out what this step I seem to be sitting on is called in the grief process. Neutral. Well at least that is what I am calling it. Neutral seems to be a good thing to call it. Because it is easy to go into reverse or any other gear of the grief transmission. Not only is it easy to put it in the gear the engine seems to be providing enough power to go in reverse very easily and moving forward only has 2 gears - very slow and slow.

Car analogy done.

It is a very interesting spot - Aline and I had been planning for several months (10 to be exact - well maybe 7 years) that Ryan would be impacting our lives in a very dramatic fashion. Well he certainly did - not just the way we had planned. Now that the plans are basically not happening - we have to continue to figure out what is next. Well life is next. What is most interesting about that is that life is returning to what it was before all of the planning. Well mostly in that direction. It is about balencing what is now that needs to still happen with what I am feeling emotionally - speaking of emotions grieving silently is not really grieving it is just post-poning something that will impact you later...might as well get it over with.

But being in neutral is what is happening now - it is about figuring out how the piece of my life can fit back together with a new addition and a hole in my heart that will never be filled.

This is something that I have been tossing around in my head for a few days - probably closer to a week and a half. Aline is starting to enter this space as well. I don't know if I have described this well enough but - it is my words and this is what flowed.

Peace...

Free Programming Resources - freeprogrammingresources.com

CS is my game and programming is included in my name....

Boy that is lame. Anyway - someone from work turned me onto this website:

Free Programming Resources - freeprogrammingresources.com

Seems to be a really good clearing house of information. If you have any others post them in the comments.

.....

Grief: Monster or Rainbow

Grief - wikipedia defines grief this way. The article entries also has a great entry on stillborn children. Seems to work for me but it only begins to stratch the surface. Last friday we went to see a grief counseler -- interesting. Everything we talked about with her seemed to re-enforce that we "where doing everything right and to keep going." How I longed for her to say - "You are doing it all wrong - do it this way it will be faster/easier/less painful". But alas all normal - just keep doing what you need to do and this will heal.

So is grief a monster or rainbow. Well I bring up the subject of a rainbow only because it seems to be in the forefront of my thinking. This evening as I got home from a long day at work - 11 hours - we needed to go see Ryan at the cemetary. Well with purplish clouds and green hues to them - it was the better thought to wait until the storm clouds had pushed passed before going to the cemetary. Clouds pushed by and behold a rainbow! Ryan you did a great thing - what a beautiful rainbow. Okay so grief as a rainbow. We all know that the rainbow brings fun happy memories - a money pot, some little green guy running around giving away wishes. Well I wished on that rainbow today...can't tell but family and friends will come very close to the wish. Grief and a rainbow - first the differing colors of the rainbow should remind us that there are different stages to grief. Each color could even give a mood to grief - red -> anger, orange -> the place between anger and sadness, yelllow -> feer/loathing, green -> the place between fear and sadness, blue -> sadness, indigo -> a color so deep that it intensifies the feelings, violet -> a flower/sense of hope. My rainbow is my wife, my son, my future children, my friends, my relatives, my God, and my hope for the future. Maybe not the order or whathaveyou, but at least they are all there. Each of them brings a sense of happiness and longing.

Grief as a monster. No matter what people say about grief - it is not a monster. It is a large dragon with 3 heads, a sword, and flys away when you finally understand the weekness of grief. Weekness might see like a word that I would apply to myself - but that is not what I mean - I mean grief is week it eventually gives up and only comes back for short bursts and small battle. My monster currently appears to have retreated into the cave - to brood and not present itself. I hope that I can start to grieve again - it feels really good to cry some nights. It just feels like the weight of the situation is lightening. But maybe my grief monster is slowly finding that the cave is more confortable and I may not need it so much. Well maybe so - but I am not putting my shields up and facing the grief monster is task that needs to be done.

So those are my rather deep thoughts - but it certainly feels good to say all of this.

Rainbow stay with me - monster stay with me.

Me...

Still Processing...

My blog site was started to find things that I might find fun. Now my blog site is going to include some things about my son Ryan. What I might think Ryan might like to understand, what I think Ryan might want to understand about our family.

Today we started to think about getting a memorial marker for our son's grave site. It is amazing how difficult it is to find a company that makes markers locally. I can understand why businesses are reluctant to enter this business because of the emotional involvement of the purchases. I am not worried about the cost - because we can handle the expenses - but we are looking some expenses which where not expected. We will work through it.

Today we also started to think about a memorial garden some more - what kind of shape, what kind of stones, what kind of flowers and trees. People have been so generous with their gifts (talents and treasures) we are trying to incorporate all of them into the garden.

Something else a friend gave for Ryan - more for us to remember Ryan - is a star. Have to figure out where the star is located - plus we will need to get a bigger telescope to really see Ryan's star.

Having some fun....